The break-up

Evidence of a break-up with gluten

A year ago today, I was watching Groundhog Day at Swedish Hospital. We thought it was funny, because as my husband and I waited for our son to be born, we lived the same test-filled days, one after the other, over and over again.

Toward the end of the movie, I went into labor. (Thank goodness. Something had to make the movie more interesting.)

These days, eating gluten-free, it feels sort of the same, only there’s no adorable pink prize at the end. I would love to tell you it’s been one big shining fabulous adventure. But recently, to be honest, my kitchen has hosted string of disasters, day after day: Carrot cupcakes that volcanoed up and over the metal tins and puddled on the bottom of the oven. Blueberry-lemon muffins that would have made great scones, if that’s what I’d meant them to be, but tasted more like pastries left out in the sun three weeks too long. A gorgeous pork roast, stuffed with leeks, apples, and dried cherries, that tasted delicious, but lacking a glutinous binder, fell apart completely on the serving platter. I even messed up a gluten-free pancake mix somehow.

But. I’m doing it. I have not eaten gluten for three weeks. Meals have been relatively easy, because there are so many foods that are naturally gluten-free. Baking is another story. Like anything, it’ll take practice, and patience. I certainly never anticipated having to learn how to bake all over again, but that’s apparently what I’m going to be doing for the next . . . (How long does it take?)

Thankfully, I’ve got memories to tide me over. Remember that weekend of break-up sex with gluten? It was fabulous. I recorded it, in every sordid detail – how my lips felt after one last kiss from a Bacon Deluxe with Cheese at Red Mill. How I shoveled in a Frisbee-sized cinnamon roll, just twenty minutes after First Breakfast, because it might have been my last. How I fantasized writing gluten a little love note (on purple paper in colored ink, natch), asking him whether he liked me or not, because the suspense was unbearable. If you like me, please check this box.

For the whole story, read “A Glutton for Gluten” at Leite’s Culinaria.

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4 Comments

Filed under commentary, gluten-free, recipe

4 responses to “The break-up

  1. I just stumbled on this recipe for Gluten-free Double Chocolate Cashew Cookies and thought of you. They look great! http://macandcheesereview.blogspot.com/2010/03/gluten-free-double-chocolate-cashew.html

  2. Ah, Jess, you are strong. Thank god for folks like Shauna to light a little path, and bring a giant wollop of yes to the gluten-free table. Onward and upward…

  3. Beth

    I enjoy your writing so much! Thank you for your loveliness. However, and it pains me to say this, quit with the baking already! I know, I know, you miss the smell, the warmth, the comfort and the gluten that holds it all together. Me too. But there is no substitute for gluten. Every time you try to find one it’s like ripping that gluten free wound open again. With a muffin tin. Ouch!
    It’s like gluten is the bad ex boyfriend and every time you try to find a substitute boyfriend it reminds you how much you miss that bad gluten boyfriend. But he’s bad. And you shouldn’t date him anymore. But new gluten-free boyfriend is heartbreakingly disappointing. The solution? No boyfriends. Just for a little while.
    Hang in there! You can do this! Summer and all her gluten-free bounty is on its way!

  4. 3 weeks is no easy feat. Congrats! Just think: a disasterous recipe is a nice reminder that the learning curve is on your side, rooting for you.

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