Dear Ms. Jones,
Thank you for submitting your child’s kindergarten application. Unfortunately, it appears you failed to understand the nuances of our admissions procedure. For parents like you, we have a special set of questions aimed more specifically at obtaining the information we really wanted, which you should have inferred when we said “Tell us about your child.”
Please complete the following questions and return the form to us by yesterday.
1. What is your child’s preferred second language?
2. Which code(s) does (do) your child use to write iPhone apps and new games (besides HTML)?
3. Is your hopscotch court mosaic made of hand-painted stones or seashells you gathered while volunteering in Thailand?
4. Can your child operate a 3D printer unassisted?
5. How many wells has your child built in Uganda?
6. Has your child recorded an album? If not, why not? And what is his/her instrument of choice?
7. What are you planning for your child’s next birthday party?
8. How does your child manifest his/her Chinese zodiac sign?
9. Is your anchor tattoo ironic or honest?
10. Describe your home’s most cherished artwork.
11. What is your child’s yogic mantra?
12. List all past and planned (future) Halloween costumes. If applicable, include notes on how you built/sewed/sourced/traded the materials.
13. If we send your child home with a live animal, how long will it survive in your home?
14. What is your child’s favorite ethnic food to cook at home?
15. Was your child raised in cloth or disposable diapers?
16. Has your child ever eaten an Oreo? (We value diversity.)
17. What methods of renewable energy does your family depend on to offset your existence on the planet, and how does your child participate?
18. Please attach your family crest or logo, and explain how and why it represents your family’s core values.
19. What did your child name your chickens, and why? Please attach photos; we would like to see their grooming habits.
20. Please attach your child’s educational mission statement.
Thank you for your time.
The Admissions Department